I cannot do this without the assistance of my beautiful wife, it would not be possible. I cannot do this unless I hear and adhere to what the Holy Spirit tells me to do, it would be impossible. Unless I continue to read, study and contemplate the Scriptures, seeking the face of God for His glory, nothing that I do will be profitable for His Kingdom.
I am nothing unless I am serving Him.
“I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.” (John 15:5)
“I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me.” (Phil. 4:13)
I make a confession to you today, in every single one of these letters I believe I have missed the mark, there has never been even one of them that I feel has been completed as I am led to write. In the world of mankind, in many different areas, I was seen as accomplished, sought out for the various skills I have been blessed with, nearly all now gone. In my own eyes in relation to my purpose for the Almighty, I see myself as a dismal failure.
I have assurance of my salvation, I know for a fact that what I am called to do with the words I am given to pen for you that it is the Holy Spirit that is leading me, but I do not believe that I am following as well as I could, as well as I should.
“For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do.” (Romans 7:19)
At the end of each of these letters I am always amazed to read what has been written, in many of them, if not most, I do not see myself in them, I see myself in a sense in the same way that Alice in Wonderland said of herself, “I always seem to give good advice, but I rarely take my own advice.”
I am a sinner extraordinaire, not fit to see, much less enter into His Kingdom, used by the Almighty for His glory, while feeling useless almost constantly. Following His leading it seems as much as I follow the desires of my old nature, battling continually, and growing weary of the battle, and at times, of serving.
I look at the number of views these letters receive each time I place new ones on YouTube, one, two, sometimes ten or twelve, and I wonder “What’s the purpose, what’s the reason?” If they are so important, if they truly are from the Holy Spirit, then why so few views? I understand the following verse perfectly.
“Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.” (Jer. 20:9)
My lovely wife will console me, encourage me, love me in a way that I will never in this life fully comprehend, read each letter, type them up and place them on the Borrowed Truths website. I cannot do any of this without her, and in no disrespect to my Savior, she is the only one that encourages me daily. I know that sounds disrespectful to the Lord, I know that I am to feel differently about all this, that I am supposed to say something like, “Maybe millions in years to come will read these Letters of Truth.” That I am to put my treasures in heaven, to follow Him no matter what.
And so, I keep walking down these steps, ten or twelve times a week, picking up my well-worn pen, and doing what I am told.
How much fruit are we to bear? How much is proof enough to us that we are indeed on the path that He has set us on? How long should we preach to an empty church, or one that has only one or two people in it?
When are we to persevere, and when are we to quit?
