“I am tired of not having what I want, and I am tired of having what I do not want.”
“For the flesh lusteth against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh: and these are contrary the one to the other: so that ye cannot do the things that ye would.” (Gal. 5:17)
This is the daily, nearly moment to moment life of one who is called by the Lord to serve Him, a constant battle of attempting to reach that which we cannot fully grasp, and at the same time despising that which presses down upon us continuously, that which is abhorrent in our eyes. The battle of the mind and the flesh spoken of in Romans 7:25 will not end in this life, it will never stop while we breath the air of this world, it is unrighteousness striving to master righteousness, it is the knowledge of the truth of Matthew 5:6, “Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled,” never being completely grasped here.
Desires unattained will lead to one of two paths, and they cross and intermingle regularly, that of frustration unknown by many, and the path of continuously seeking for the face of God. The mind can be in earnest prayer at the same moments the lusts of the flesh creep in, he can be in service to the Lord when the lust of the eyes can nearly overpower him, and he can be in humble adoration of the Lord Jesus when the pride of life attempts to tell him that he is the one who is to be praised.
The mind that serves the Lord hates the flesh that will never abate, that will never give a moment of reprieve. The flesh, the sinful nature that resides within us, wants to be tempted, it wants what we try to avoid, it strives to drag us back into the world, and a part of us that serves the Lord with all of our being at times attempts to persuade us that God forgives, that He understands, that it’s just a small misstep, and since we are His children, He will be lenient.
Those who have been blessed with the knowledge of the Lord, and understand fully that knowledge, will be held to a higher degree of accountability. “My brethren, be not many masters, knowing that we shall receive the greater condemnation.” (James 3:1) This was the way that the Holy Spirit used James to tell us this truth, it can make the one called out from the crowd to walk apart with Christ envious of those who faith is true, yet simple.
Those whom the Lord has called for the service of a teacher, an evangelist, a prophet, in whatever form or title He has called them to walk apart from the assembly understand the battle, they understand the task set before them, and many times they grow weary in it. Beyond the point of Galatians 6:9, “And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not.” But to say with Jeremiah, “Then I said, I will not make mention of him, nor speak any more in his name. But his word was in mine heart as a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I was weary with forbearing, and I could not stay.” (Jer. 20:9)
The burning never stops, the flesh never yields, the world calls constantly, and the knowledge of the truth of John 15:5 is well known to them, “I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me ye can do nothing.”
I am tired of wanting what I want, I am tired of wanting what my flesh demands, what my eyes should not see, and what my pride says I should have. I want this old man inside of me dead, dissolved into nothingness, killed, destroyed, never to bother me again.
“Do not I hate them, O LORD, that hate thee? and am not I grieved with those that rise up against thee?” (Psalm 139:21) This is my old nature.
“These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
There are many I believe that have been called by the Lord to come out of the sheepfold, to walk with Him alone, apart from the crowd, and have refused that call. They are still loved, they are still His, they will still enter into the Kingdom of the Most High, but I fear they will never know the fellowship of His suffering. Those that have heeded the call do not blame them one bit. “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.” (Romans 8:18)